I am not a stay-at-home mom.  Yet I am at home to drop off at school, I am home to volunteer in the classroom and hold office on the PTA.  I’m home to pick up from school. The unseen part of my life is that 3-4 days a week I jet off to photo shoots after drop-off in the morning.  This is a confusing concept for most of the people in my life, myself included.  I have the benefit of setting my own schedule and allowing ample time for Henry.  This is such a blessing.  It is also a curse.

Sometimes I find myself envying my friends who just go.to.work.  They have an office, co-workers, lunch breaks, set hours and weekends.  I wouldn’t trade those things for the luxury of owning my own business, but every now and then I feel envious.

I feel envious because along with the benefits of setting my own schedule is the responsibility of setting my own schedule.  How much should I work?  How many portraits is too many?  When that 9th couple wants to book a wedding with us, putting us over our 8 wedding quota, what do I do?  Especially when I love the couple?  I have no boss to blame when a weekend of 10 shoots leaves me run down to the point of getting the flu.  I set that schedule.  It’s up to me.

And yes, I am grateful.  So grateful.  But right now I am in a place of feeling stretched in a million directions.  Henry woke up vomiting this morning (yes, exactly a month after he got sick previously).  This morning I also had a photo shoot scheduled.  Similar to waking up to a sick child the morning you have a big presentation at work, I would imagine.  You know you’re going to let someone down, and you have to decide who that person is.  For me, it’s not going to be Henry.

I’m no saint.  I didn’t reschedule my photo shoot with ease or without being a little pissed off.  Not at Henry, not at Ben for having different work responsibilities, but just at the situation.  At how hard it is to straddle these roles.

I am lucky that the clients I had booked this morning are longtime clients and friends and are understanding to the point of making me tear up while on the phone with them.  I am lucky that I can reschedule.  But…it’s also hard not to feel resentful.  I want to be here with Henry, to comfort him when he’s sick and take him to the doctor and make sure he feels loved while he feels so poorly.

But I also want to work.  I was so looking forward to my photo shoot this morning – the first after our trip to NYC (soon to be relayed here on the blog!) with people I care about immensely.  But my son is sick and needed to get to the doctor.  Ben had a busy day and is facing a huge deadline tomorrow.  Today, being a mom trumped being a businessperson.

I love my son.  I love my job.  I don’t love when my job as mom and job as photographer bump into one another.

There is solace in knowing that few of us are immune to this pull.  There is solace in knowing I did right by my son today.  But there is also work to be done here.  Work on guilt, on finding the right work/life balance.  Work on rolling with the punches, trusting that doing what’s best for Henry is always the right choice and that my work is with people who mostly understand the pressures of motherhood and related obligations.

Solace and work.  Story of our lives.